On August 27 we welcomed our beautiful daughter and Olive's little sister, Juniper, into the world. Born at 37 weeks + 4 days, she came into the bright lights as a big, healthy term baby. Her birth and start to life was a stark contrast to Olive's decidedly difficult beginning making it an emotional few weeks. While Juniper's birth was incredibly healing and cathartic, it was hard not to look at it through the prism of what Olive's birth was not. We heard Juniper cry. She could breathe. She stayed in the room with me. Dain announced her gender. We held her. She could eat. And three days later we brought her home with us. Our take home baby. By some stroke of magic, we got all of the moments that we missed out on the first time around. And I think we both knew in seeing our chubby, screaming baby that this is it. Our family is complete.
I had hoped to attempt a VBAC this time around, but I also had a feeling that it wasn't in the cards for me. That feeling was right. I took low dose aspirin throughout my pregnancy in an attempt to prevent preeclampsia this time around. I stopped taking it on a Saturday (at 36+6) and by Wednesday I was in the maternal assessment center for high blood pressure. I am convinced that there is a correlation between these events, but aspirin needs to be stopped around this time in pregnancy to prevent interference with your body's blood clotting ability for delivery. I took my blood pressure obsessively throughout the summer, and I quickly noticed on August 26 that it had jumped overnight to around 165/90. I drove myself to the hospital as Dain scrambled to prepare Olive for what would likely be a few days without us. Once there my blood pressure was initially high but then went down some. They decided to wait four hours and check it and send me home if it was less than 140/90. At 11 p.m. the nurse took my blood pressure, and it was 140/85. We had been planning to head home, but this reading coupled with the baby's gestational age put us within the recommendation to move towards delivery right away. Since induction was not an option for a VBAC, we prepared for a repeat c-section.
I was nervous. My only other birth experience was obviously traumatic and terrifying. It was not something I wanted to experience again. Thankfully we had an amazing care team. They listened to everything I said about my previous c-section, and they really set out to make it a better experience for all of us. Since I hadn't been prepared to have surgery that night, we needed to wait until 8 hours after I last ate so we didn't head to the operating room until 12:45. But it was different this time. I walked down the hallway into the operating room instead of being wheeled in the bed that I'd been in for five days. It was still bright and cold as it had been with Olive, but the room was full of nervous excitement instead of fear. There wasn't an undertone of the unknown. Everyone was excited for us that we were going to be surprised by the sex of our baby. This was truly a routine c-section and not any sort of emergency. The nurses were fabulous and friendly, and I knew what was going on the entire time.
Unlike the first time, my anesthesia worked as did the anti-nausea medication I was given. I didn't feel any pain. It was surreal. I don't know that I have ever been more present in any moment of my life. There was nothing else. Just the sights and sounds of the operating room awaiting Juniper's arrival. It was incredibly calm. A very different scene than Olive's hurried arrival. Dain held my hand and our camera for the big moment, and at 1:14 a.m. the doctor told us that the baby was coming out. Dain snapped a quick photo and then announced that "it's a girl" with just a little bit of hesitation as the doctors and nurses nodded in agreement. And then she screamed. The most beautiful scream. There was a flurry of commentary about how big she was and how beautiful she was. I think the term "thunder thighs" may have been thrown around by someone, which was music to my ears. My chunky monkey. The first moments after Juniper's birth were absolutely euphoric as I watched her be weighed and wrapped in a blanket. Then Dain brought her to me for my first snuggle. It was everything we wanted.
Juniper's birth was unbelievably perfect. You don't get many moments like that in life, and I wish I could bottle it up for the days when motherhood is tough. Because it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows after we headed to the recovery area. She was large for gestational age, which meant she needed to be closely watched for hypoglycemia. After she nursed for the first time, they started taking her blood sugar readings every few hours, which meant having her heel pricked over and over for a blood sample. It was fine at first, but by about eight hours after her birth her readings were low. And at this point, we were exhausted having not slept in almost two days. The nurses wheeled in a breast pump and brought in formula and that began the downward spiral. We must be on a list somewhere of uncooperative parents, but the nurses were not grasping exactly how much of a big issue feeding is to us. Having one child that literally couldn't eat at birth and then didn't eat for awhile and still doesn't eat enough to sustain herself makes it an emotionally charged issue to say the least. It was high stress fueled by emotional fatigue and sheer exhaustion, and it was only amplified when Juniper was transferred to the special care nursery late in the day on her birthday.
She needed an i.v. for glucose, which is not something that could be done in the regular mother baby center. So once again my newborn baby was taken away from me. The circumstances were obviously different as I held her in my arms as Dain wheeled us down two floors and the nurse pushed her bassinet. But it brought back all the memories as she was hooked up to the same monitors that Olive was on. The sounds were eerily familiar to us as we watched them struggle to place an i.v. line in our little girl. They tried both of her hands to no avail and ended up having to put it in her head.
Meanwhile I was still a patient upstairs having to go back and forth for my vital checks and medicine and to try to sleep, which was impossible for more than thirty minutes every three hours or so. It made breastfeeding pretty tough since we weren't staying in the same room, but not trying my damnedest wasn't an option. I ended up seeing four lactation consultants the first eight days of Juniper's life, two of which were in the hospital. And we fended off all of the attempts to bottle feed her formula because breastfeeding was my number priority this time around mostly because there is no way I could pump again like I did for Olive. It was pretty surprising how much we had to fight for it. Thankfully we know a lot about different ways babies eat, and we settled on finger feeding her by syringe the small amount of pumped milk and formula she received in addition to nursing. It all worked out in the end. By Sunday when I was being discharged, her blood sugar levels were high enough that they felt comfortable discharging her too, which was a total surprise to us. Early that morning we had been preparing for our first night after my discharge to be spent in a family room in the hospital to be close to her as it didn't look like she would be ready to come home. But she turned it around just in time.
Despite the fact that I had hardly slept in five days, it was an incredible feeling to walk out of the hospital for the first time with our baby. And to know that big sister Olive was anxiously awaiting our arrival at home. Our first night at home was pretty rough. Juniper would only sleep being held, we had to wake her up for her to eat, and I was still struggling to get the hang of breastfeeding. Dain also found Olive in our kitchen at two in the morning looking out the window for my mom's car saying, "Gigi, where are you?" as Gigi had been her playmate and roommate while we were in the hospital. My heart was officially broken for our sweet three year old whose life was being turned upside down. And then it somehow managed to get worse.
I felt off the next morning, and I honestly would have discounted it as a result of being tired and having just had a baby except that postpartum preeclampsia is something I am obviously hyperaware of. I took my blood pressure. It was high. I called the doctor. She said come in. So we packed up both girls and all of our stuff once again and headed back to the hospital. I was admitted for postpartum preeclampsia and a mild case of HELPP syndrome as my liver enzymes were elevated as well. I obviously caught it incredibly early so it was easily treated with magnesium sulfate and blood pressure medication, but it made it terrifyingly evident to me how fast postpartum preeclampsia can strike and how serious it can get before people realize it. I was in the hospital for about 36 hours longer and was discharged on blood pressure medication. I'm lucky. I faced preeclampsia again. I walked away from it again with my own health and a healthy baby. And I am never going to have it again.
The first ten days of Juniper's life were tough. Not as tough as our first go but tough nonetheless. Pregnancy and birth and preeclampsia take their toll physically, mentally and especially emotionally. As does introducing a new family member. It has been a difficult transition for Olive. She went from having all of the attention to having to take a back burner at times to somebody else's needs. She has acted out. She's been sad and angry and frustrated. And I don't blame her one bit. I have a lot of mom guilt for the things that I can't give Olive right now. Many days I feel like I'm failing her since I don't have the time to sit down and work on her oral eating with her as much as I should or take her to the park or read a book right when she asks. But I tell myself everyday that it gets better. I know it does, and I know it will.
We are extremely blessed to have these two ladies and all the people in our lives who have helped us during the past few months. We are incredibly grateful for all of the cards and gifts and meals and well wishes that we have received from our family, friends, and neighbors. Life has been busy and hectic juggling two, especially with some ill-timed business travel that Dain has had, but once I get into a better rhythm I hope to update our blog with posts about all of Olive's progress eating one year out from the trip that started this endeavor.
